Pre-Sale: Oh! Your Life is Gonna Blow!
Pre-Sale: Oh! Your Life is Gonna Blow! - A Dr. Seuss parody for the ages. Book production: TBA
This classic children’s book was re-written for modern times with a warning of where things may go.
Here’s the poem:
Salutations!
Today’s not your day.
You won’t see Great Places!
At your parents’ house you’ll stay!
You had a fair chance.
You had everything to lose
You chose a liberal arts major
Leftism was your muse.
You applied for jobs… a heart full of hope
And YOU are the person who looks like a dope!
You might live in your car – on your lease you’ll default.
To any critics you’ll say – “Your words are an assault.”
With your head full of excuses, you’ll hatch a great plan,
you're smarter than everyone else, it’s time to fight the man.
So you’ll cut off your hair,
cut it all the way down.
And adopt a new gender
With brand new pronouns!
You’ll watch as others succeed
they worked hard and do
but the system is rigged
And rigged against YOU!
And when things just won’t happen,
you’ll worry. You’ll stew.
But those other people didn’t have it - well, not as bad as YOU.
OH!
YOUR LIFE’S GONNA BLOW!
You'll be on your way down!
You won’t see any great sights!
You'll be jealous of high fliers
while living in low lights.
When you can’t pay your bills, you’ll blame corporate greed
Then you’ll start a gofundme, for surgeries you don’t need
Wherever you go, you’ll quadruple mask.
Convincing the doubters is no easy task
Because you trust The ScienceTM
Only bigots aren’t compliant!
To TikTok and Twitter
you’ll turn with a flitter
for attention
for mentions
that bring value to you.
You’ll get no likes, you’ll get no follows
you’ll start to blame the system
Then one day you’ll find your niche:
You'll be a professional victim.
With your smart phone in hand
You’ll announce your new status
Your choices aren’t YOUR fault
Your bills should be gratis!
And when you notice they won’t
you'll stop having fun.
Then you’ll start to blame sexism
because that’s how it’s done.
You will come to a college safe space,
In a room that’s not marked,
You’ll find a few others like you.. and light up a spark (pic of smoking crack).
No men may come in. No people without color.
No breeders, No rules. You’re more unique than the others.
You’ll keep them out – that’ll keep you protected.
Surely then they’ll lose – those dreams they projected.
And NOW that you’re in, you’re stunning and brave…
Until the narrative changes, then more attention you’ll crave!
And maybe it’ll change again,
Depending on Lemons from CNN…
But either way you’ve made up your mind,
Others are wrong, they all were so blind.
Then off to a protest,
That’s the direction you’ll race.
“This! The Current Thing!” You’ll make signs, you’ll shriek and you’ll seethe..
“Defund police, Sex changes for kids, racism’s everywhere if you just believe!”
As part of the mob, you’ll join in the fight
They’re woke just like you, and never not right.
Together you’ll accomplish anything, even cancel Dr. Seuss.
Perhaps rewrite his classic book – no, that’s not obtuse.
And when the naysayers naysay with reason and sense
You’ll scream that it’s violence - taking serious offense.
Either way you’ve made up your mind,
Others are wrong, they all are so blind.
Now to the Protest Place…
… for people smart like you.
Everyone’s doing their part, protesting…
Protesting the freedom of people you think are wrong,
Like when JK Rowling says, ‘women have no schlong’
Protesting the Twitter buyout by Elon Musk,
Forget his innovation, his thoughts are too brusque
Who cares if he stopped climate change with electric cars he designed?
We must stop the wrong people from speaking their mind!
Protesting conservatives who are persons of color,
Prostesting results found by Robert Mueller.
You’ll protest the protestors who want to keep sports fair
You’ll protest comedians; And to stay on welfare
You’ll even protest when the message is unclear
Grab a sign, scream some more, the ‘End Times are Near!’
Everyone will keep protesting…
NO!
That's not for you!
You’re the leader of the pack.
You’ve got bigger plans than that.
You’re the big star.
You’re no pretentious spoiled brat.
No more sign waving,
That move’s over-played.
The message hasn’t been conveyed.
No difference has been made.
Oh, you’re life’s gonna blow! You’re nowhere near done!
You’re too special to be ignored. Your journey’s just begun.
Your next step will win them, you won’t drop the ball.
You’ll join an organization; one to dismantle it all!
Off to the mall, to buy your new gear,
To match the other people, who you now revere.
They know what’s bold.
Just do what you’re told.
You’ll smash every window, set fires, throw cans;
Looting small businesses, sticks it to the man.
Harass elderly couples at dinner, topple statues, stop cars
In an unjust world, you’ll shoot for the stars.
The police will come, and there’s a very good chance
that it will scare you so much, you’ll soil your pants!
The others will run, but you’re not that fast,
You’ll get stopped, get arrested, you might even get gassed.
To jail you will go
And it won't be fun.
For 6 months or so
As your life gets unspun.
Cell block B’s where you’ll be - in orange you’ll be rendered…
But look on the bright side, you won’t be misgendered…. (have a pic of a group encroaching on the person in a cell saying ‘hey gurl’ if it’s a guy or vice versa)
Others went upward,
While your future looks bleak,
Jobs and families they have,
While you’ve become an odd freak.
You’ll blame them for your failure,
They’re the world’s scar…
You’ll never look inward,
And see what you are.
You had a fair chance and lost it,
Spent your time like a crow,
Staring down from the trees,
But eating trash from below.
You forgot where you came from,
That we’re all born the same,
And when times weren’t even rough,
You sought others to blame.
Things weren’t bad – they were never bad, but you got mad.
And will you succeed?
No! Not if hate is your creed!
(100 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)
KID, YOU BLEW IT!
So...
Which path is it that you’ll choose?
Reading this while not in the fray,
The path of success and joy…
or one of hatred, self-loathing and dismay
OH! The places you COULD go,
but choose the better way!