Mainly this little number: There was one week that I went out with a different woman every night… 7 in 7, and forgot half of their names, what they did and where they were from.

On the VERY FIRST NIGHT, I started dropping the ball. I was out at coffee with a very attractive woman and I lead off by asking her about her internet marketing job. The problem was that she worked at a coffee shop. From there it was a downward spiral. I asked her about her upcoming vacation to Florida… she wasn’t going on a vacation any time soon… and finally I asked her about her puppy… she didn’t have a puppy. Should’ve been strike three, but somehow it wasn’t.

So, I had to remember if she was an internet match or an in-person match… I ran to the bathroom to look on the website where we could have met to see if she was… except that my internet wasn’t working in the bathroom because that place had to have been made of LEAD. “Never fear, I’m a problem solver,” I said to myself as I quickly switched over to her unlabeled chain of texts in my phone, “I’m sure there’s a name at the top when she first texted me.”

Nope. It just read “Hey ” FAIL.

So, with no signal, no answers, lots of what should have been critical errors under my belt, and the extensive time spent in the bathroom that would imply that I pooped, I returned to the table. After a little bit more time it hit me. We were wrapping up our coffee and I know just about everyone who bartends on the side of town I live on. Let’s take her to one of the bars and introduce her.

15 minutes later we were in a different location where I knew the bartender. “Oh this is, Kristen (the bartender),” I said. My date introduced herself and I knew that I was safe for at least one more night… until the ENTIRE SITUATION REPEATED ITSELF 2 NIGHTS LATER.

I’m an idiot… not for forgetting their names and information, but for going back to that coffee shop with the lead bathrooms. Life would be easier with constant smart phone access.

Click below to watch the magic unfold:

Denise Richards’ Head and Shoulders overtop this woman’s body.  I don’t know how to edit photos well, so deal with it.

I mean, she kinda looked Denise Richards, so that was a great artist’s interpretation, if the artist can’t cut and paste well on a computer.

Looks are important to know, because as a guy, we have a tolerance for stupidity based on the attractiveness of the woman that we are seeing.  The ideal woman is somewhere balanced between attractive and intelligent and honestly, I would take intelligent over attractive, if by honestly I mean that Jesus literally reached down from heaven and told me that I needed to.  Until then, it’s upward and onward with hot idiots.  You know I began to write that with a point, but forgot it somewhere in the rest of this post.

It’s even difficult now for me to call this woman an idiot because she was so attractive.  I keep thinking to myself that if I candy coat this and she reads it, there will still be a chance that we could sleep together.  Yeah, she was SO hot that LOGIC IS BEING DEFEATED.

We went out on a great 16-to-20-hour long first date and all signs pointed to a second date happening.  We kept talking and things were great… UNTIL I got a text at random one night that said we couldn’t see each other again.  Why?  Not anything to do with me being cheap, a jerk, or potentially blogging about her (all viable reasons that AREN’T blog-worthy).

She was upset with the way that we had met (Online dating site to clarify…and not one of the shady ones.)

That was it.

I know what you’re saying to yourself, “No way!  She was lying to be nice to you.  She was taking pity on you, you bag of dicks!”  No friends, she wasn’t.  I clarified with multiple texts outlying many other options and begging her to tell me the truth (for the sake of the blog)… here’s how it started, I won’t bore you with the rest…

Some people shouldn’t wonder why they’re still single at 36.  I certainly don’t need to wonder why I’m still single at 32.

The worst part WOULD HAVE BEEN that on our 20-ish hour first date, she drove me home… which included shoving my bike into the backseat of her car misaligning the steering… had I not been able to drop this reference:

That Skylar Grey can write a mean hook.

So what happens when dates cancel in modern day?  I spend that money on myself!

That’s right women… if you cancel, men have money left.  And justifiably so, we should waste it on ourselves… or save it.  I preferred the wasting part because it’s the right season to do so.

This week, I spent $100 on some amazing things thanks to dates being cancelled.  That’s right…I know you read this… be sick at home… I’m busy making it rain on myself.

Click play and wait for the singing to start before continuing to read for a sound track…

I started with this fine item:

Ron English – Cap’n Cornstarch. I already have his Fat Tony figure… this is awesome.

More importantly I bought this… and I can ONLY preview it here.  Just know that it was good enough on it’s own, but I decided to increase it’s awesomeness with 90 LED lights that I also purchased.  It shall debut on Thursday Night and revolutionize Christmas.

This will make Christmas awesome again.

The bottom line is, don’t sweat it when dates cancel on you.  Turn leftover money into awesome things for yourself that don’t involve internet based video games and you’ll have a great life.

Me and Santa!

After polling them, I have realized that the closest that any of my regular statements get to positive… is dismissive.

1.  ”Wellp.  There you go.”

Me giving myself a thumbs down.

2. “For Fucks Sake”

3.  ”Christ Jesus.”

4.  ”That makes no goddamned sense.”

5. “Are you kidding me?”

6.  ”That’s a wrap.”

7. “No..nope…no… ain’t gonna happen.”

8. (no words, just bob my head like music is playing and I’m dancing, but there’s no music playing and I’m ignoring everything around me.)

9.  ”Remind me what X doess around here again…”

10. “What was that one’s name again?”

A lot of women have told me that that they have terrible dating stories, but never a venue to share them with… Let’s make that happen right here!

Send it to me and I’ll edit/punch it up for you.  Make sure to include original photos or images to go with it.

Someone knew they were  a mess…

Also, we had NEVER gone out…which reiterates the mess part.

Wellp. There you go.

UPDATE:  THIS:

This is how grown folks deal with things.

And umm…. yeah! So take that or something…